In my dream last night, I received the âBest Goddessâ award. Go ahead. Laugh. That title is reserved for celebrities, rock stars and beautiful women in flowing white gowns (meditating next to crystal blue waters with dolphins and diamonds.) I donât fit.
But in the dream, I was rather excited (and embarrassed) that Iâd been in the running with more traditionally goddessy women. Somehow I also knew that, whoa, men had voted, too!
I quickly surmised that it must be an all-around-kinda-goddess. A good cherub. Making a contribution. Trying her best. Clearly the world had changed its definition of a diety! And some part of me AGREED. Iâd won. I was goddess material.
Then I woke up.
âBest Goddess?â I think, as I run my fingers through my matted, dirty hair. It reminds me of those little plastic trophies, âBest Sisterâ or â#1 Mom.â
But who cares, I won! In the dream, Iâd felt humbled and happy. And now, sitting there in my very ugly t-shirt, grey sweatpants, bad breath and boobs hanging low, it makes me smile! Iâve arrived. Iâve awarded myself this goofy victory!
There was no voluptuous body or kick-ass looks, lips or limbs. It was just me. The award meant I was fully seen and appreciated. As is. Success.
Then I tell my husband.
He was just crawling out of bed, in all his sleepy glory. Tighty whities. A Breathe-Right strip lifting off his nose. Both of us pale and pasty.
âI won the Best Goddess award in my dream,â I say with a smile and an eye-roll.
Long.
Silence.
After yawning and wiping his crusty eyes, he finally says, âWell, thatâs different.â
Cue. Screeching. Brakes.
My previous thrill quickly begins to slip. After more silence, I get up and go to the bathroom so I donât spurt out any BS. My mind has armored up so fast, itâs frightening. Iâm already at war.
For many years, Iâve asked (yelled, begged) my hubby for more compliments. Iâm embarrassed to admit it. I get praise from friends, family, clients, even strangers at workshops. But since Bill sees me at my absolute worst, and knows me at my best, compliments from him mean MORE.
In the time it takes me to put the toilet seat down and sit, my BS is ready to FIRE AT BILL. My mind is pissed, blaming him and silently ranting, âThis would have been a lovely opportunity to compliment me. FOR ONCE. I know I donât look like a goddess, but couldnât you do me the favor of saying something nice!? Something affirming? Anything??â Note: defensive sarcasm is always a sign of hidden BS.
So letâs Byron Katie the crap out of this stinky scenario.
Katieâs âJudge Your Neighborâ worksheet has four questions to ask ourselves, and the all intriguing âturn-around.â (Check out “The Work” here and download the worksheet here.)
- Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought
- Who would you be without the thought? â¨
So I take the first painful belief, âBill never compliments meâ and ask, Is it true?â¨â¨Well, um, (scramble, scramble, argh, sassafrassa…) No. It isnât totally true. He doesnât compliment me in the ways I would like. But his actions are very complimentary – deep demonstrations of his love and care.
But-but-but. I donât want to let go of this! He should change! I NEED COMPLIMENTS! How hard is THAT!?
The ego mind likes to fight, to be right and to PROVE that our thoughts, painful as they might be, are CORRECT, and itâs the other person who should change their behavior! Then the pressure is off of us to change our thoughts. Poor, innocent us.
â¨As I sit on my porcelain thrown, another old belief hits the fan: âHe doesnât see and appreciate my worth. He doesnât think  Iâm valuable! He should prove to me that Iâve got a little bit of goddess in me!?â
So my old story, of feeling humiliated and not-enough, because of my dwarfism, has hit the leader-board. âBill should know my history! He should treat me with tenderness so I donât have to hurt over this!â
Wow, tall order. Iâm shoulding all over him, when in fact, Iâm not honoring my old story OR treating myself with tenderness so I don’t have to hurt. When I insist that HE do it, we both end up in the loo.
Hopeless.
Still, my mind continues itâs rioting… âOf all people, Bill should know my old insecurities!â Wait. I should know. â¨Another turnaround is, âI should know his old insecurities.â Heâs told me many times that he feels completely cornered when I come at him, diarrhea of the mouth, INSISTING that he do things MY WAY.
The third question is: How do I react when I believe the thought, âBill should compliment me,â and he doesnât do it? I get insulted, hurt and angry. I either corner him with a sh*t ton of words or I shut. him. out.
Oh My Goddess. Not very complimentary.
The forth question is: Who would I be without the thought, âHe should compliment meâ? (When youâre examining your own BS, close your eyes on this question and imagine the other personâs face.) Well, without my BS Iâd just be real and Iâd express my vulnerability, without judging him or me. Iâd appreciate my devoted Einstein-haired-hubby. Iâd love him for all that he is. Iâd realize he has complimented me with twenty years of support, marriage, family, love.
Hereâs another turnaround. âIâm hurt and angry at myself because I donât compliment me.â True. I didnât even believe in my dream award. âI donât see and appreciate my worth. I should prove to myself that Iâve got a little bit of goddess in me.â I canât expect Bill to do what I cannot do.
On my good days, when I feel worthy, I donât demand it from others. I can give it freely. Easily. To myself and them.
âUncomfortable feelings are clear reminders that we’ve attached to something that may not be true for us. They are gifts that let us know it’s time to identify the stressful thoughts.â ~Byron Katie
If you find yourself throwing an inner or outer tantrum over what someone else didnât do, or should do, try the four questions and the turnaround. There’s always something untrue in our own thinking and there’s more we can do for ourselves to find freedom and peace.
If you give a goddess an award, that she doesnât feel she deserves, look at the cascade of negative thoughts that errupt! I projected the crap onto Bill, and then realized it was in me. It turned into an opportunity to bless the BS. What we need to flush, is up to us.
Anotherâs opinion can only hurt or help when we believe itâs true. We have the choice to walk down the runway of our soul, in all its spangly splendor, still loving our humble humanness.
Our glory be to goddess, in the highest and hottest. No need to be modest. (Short doesnât mean squat-ess.)
With consistent self-support, we can turn dung into divine. Doesnât cost a dime. (Goddesses like to rhyme.)
So go grab your own godling award. I’ll joyfully join you in a heart felt standing-O.
With lotsa love, lights, and applause,
xoxo Julie
P.S. Yes the holidaze is suddenly upon us. Each year, I intend to plunge into the festive season with more joy, less stress. And each year I do make small improvements ~ like the year we decided NOT to exchange gifts with extended family. That was actually a biggie. There was SO much less bustling and worrying. But at some point, during December, or by January, I end up wildly disappointed in myself.
So as we go spiraling forward, I hope you’ll join me for the
“Season of Rebirth Summit”.  Catherine Jimenez-Spencer will interview 21 guest speakers (including yours truly) to help navigate this season without becoming exhausted, disconnected, broke, unhealthy, frustrated & feeling like we “did it again” despite “knowing better.”
How can a time that is meant to be so nourishing leave us feeling tired and hollow inside? The
Season of Rebirth Summit is to bring more peace and presence. It’s to inspire deep connection with the true essence of winter, the spirit of the Holiday we choose to celebrate & to stay rooted in our soulful self (even as we shop… or eat.)
Sounds good to me!
Register
here and give yourself this soothing gift – take on the holidaze with more mindfulness, less madness.