March was a bumpy month for many. Hubby managed to wake me (and my monster) up, several times. And I don’t mean from sleep. I was pissed. Hurt. Then defensive. HE did it to innocent ME. (Note: caps and italics are Belief Systems – BS.)
The first insult was when he got mad over my son’s broken iPhone. I could’ve been sympathetic, knowing about his stressful work week. I did stay calm on the outside, at first, trying to keep him calm (um, control, in disguise.) The truth is if he gets upset, I might get upset. So I try to control HIM instead of me. I’d been having a rough day, myself, so I was wobbly. I’d prefer to blame him for starting it. I soooo wanted it to be his fault.
This never works.
When he raises his voice, I perceive ‘attack’ – I must rise up to defend the peace! (Ironic. As Byron Katie says, “Defense is the first act of war.”) Slipping on armor is just so much quicker than calming my inner battle.
Over the years, I’m prone to drag out these incidences. Fear tells me that if I drop my angry silent treatment, he’ll think it’s ok to get mad. If I drop my control, he’ll do it again and again. He’ll never learn!
Oh when will I ever learn.
I’m feeling the very things – negativity, blame, judgment – that I say are ‘wrong.’ I criticize those emotions in him because… well, I don’t want to admit they’re in me.
Where am I sleepwalking in my story again? I’m silently insisting that he shouldn’t express blame, reactivity, or disturb the peace. He should be kind. He should do what I want because it’s GOOD (aka right) to be loving, kind, peaceful and understanding.
If he’s not loving, kind, peaceful and understanding – I’ll withdraw my love, kindness, peace and understanding. Wait.
If it’s good for him, it’s good for me.
Maybe he can’t change, as fast as I’d like. Maybe I can’t change, as fast as I’d like. Why is it difficult to accept our limitations and humanness? How do I stay kind and loving, anyway?
We may roar when we’re feeling vulnerable, but the practice of softening our heart, is not a liability – it’s a holy strength.
It goes against our spiritual nature to attack, shut down, or be anything but Love. Yet it’s in our human nature to test that divine theory, again and again.
It’s playing out on our very loud & painful political stage. (Listen below to our fun GD Spirit Pub episode on this topic! There’s a 2 min “Connect to the Light” practice at the 16:22 minute mark, if you need a quick plug-in to your expansive soul-self.)
Our dark human dramas are being expressed boldly and aggressively in the media and our government. We’re taught that there’s an enemy. Lock and load. Fear is a powerful governor that turns into defense, division, hate.
But we can’t soften the haters by hating them. That’s our self-hatred in hiding. It closes our mind to the hurting parts of ourselves. And them. Those rapscallions are spiritual teachers in disguise – mirrors of our inner mad-ness.
Where do we blame them, when the seeds of doubt are actually rooted within us.
Uncomfortable emotions are touchy-feely soul signals that whatever we’re believing is not in alignment with our spirit. Seeing our BS and dropping our judgment, plugs us back into our inner magician-in-training. We just have to watch where we’re pointing our wands.
In the midst of personal problems, or political polarity, we need extra doses of gentleness. When we send love to those who are the most difficult to love, whether they’re in our home or in the White House, the Love will bless them and boomerang back to us. We’re all One wild family trying (desperately) to remember Love and to live in Peace.
As you re-connect to your heart today (in whatever way you do it – meditation, nature, art, prayer, writing, spring cleaning etc…) drop your old sword and pick up your magic wand. Beam love to the most restless places inside you, and bless the BS. Forgive your humanness. It makes it far easier to forgive them.
Send your light across the globe. Bless the earth. Bless the governments of the world. Bless the children. The animals. The waters. The plants. The mountains. Bless it all. Bless our human drama as we grow and learn how to wield our powerful wands of light.
wishing you an eternal Springtime,
and lotsa love,